Caring can be called “pastoring” in pastoral language. But there is another similar-sounding word: “pestering,” which means bothering or annoying someone. The two words sound remarkably similar—pastoring and pestering—but their meanings are completely different.
This raises an important question for anyone involved in ministry:
“Am I taking care of them, or am I bothering them?”
We talk a great deal about caring for people in the church. Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.” Pastoral care is an important responsibility. But sometimes, while we think we are caring for people, we may actually be pestering them.
For example, some people believe, “The more I know about you, the better I can take care of you.” So they ask many personal questions:
“When did you get married?”
“How many children do you have?”
“Why were you so late?”
“Why did you leave so early?”
Some questions may be appropriate in the right relationship and context. But when we ask too many questions about someone’s private life, our “care” can feel more like an interrogation. It can sound like a police officer questioning a suspect.
That is not pastoring. That is pestering.
Real pastoral care does not mean knowing everything about another person. It means respecting the person while being available to help when help is needed. Care without respect can become control. Care without boundaries can become intrusion.
I once heard about a small group that wanted to pray for a new believer. They asked her to sit with them and share a prayer request. As she opened her heart, she shared several very private matters about her life. The group prayed together, and everything seemed to end well.
But the following Sunday, her private story had spread throughout the congregation.
Someone had apparently talked about it with others.
Was that caring?
No. It was damaging.
This is one of the important principles emphasized in Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE): confidentiality. Confidentiality means that what someone shares with us in confidence should not be disclosed to others.
Of course, we may talk about information that is already publicly known. But something someone has shared with us privately must remain private. It should not become a subject of conversation—even at home between husband and wife.
I think of confidential information like a sealed private letter. When we receive a sealed letter, we do not open it and then pass its contents around to other people. We respect the privacy of the person who entrusted it to us.
The same principle applies to pastoral care.
What someone tells us personally must be handled with great care. Sometimes it should not even be written down unnecessarily. We should ask ourselves, “Was this information given to me to share, or was it entrusted to me to protect?”
There is another lesson I have learned from my own experience.
These days, I use group chat rooms frequently through KakaoTalk. I once joined a group chat with some of my elementary school classmates in Korea. At first, I was glad to reconnect with old friends. But there was a significant time difference between Korea and Kenya. When it was 9 a.m. in Korea, it was 3 a.m. in Kenya.
The messages were not intended to bother me, but they were arriving in the middle of my night. Eventually, I apologized and withdrew from the group chat.
After experiencing this several times, I became much more careful about joining group chats. I also became more careful about sending messages to other people. Even when I have good intentions, I have to ask myself:
“Is this helpful to them, or am I bothering them?”
Sometimes we put pastoring ahead of pestering simply because we believe our intention is good. We think, “I am only trying to care for them.” But good intentions do not automatically make our actions helpful.
We need to look at care not only from our perspective, but also from the other person’s perspective.
What feels like care to me may feel like pressure to someone else.
What feels like concern to me may feel like intrusion to someone else.
What feels like encouragement to me may feel like pestering to someone else.
So, whenever we care for people, especially in ministry, we should ask ourselves two simple questions:
Am I pastoring, or am I pestering?
Am I caring for this person, or am I making this person uncomfortable?
We should never forget that pastoral care is not about satisfying our curiosity or controlling another person’s life. It is about loving people, respecting their boundaries, protecting their dignity, and being present when they need us.
Pastoring listens.
Pastoring respects.
Pastoring protects.
Pastoring cares.
But when care becomes intrusion, pressure, or unnecessary interference, pastoring can easily become pestering.
We are grateful whenever someone genuinely cares for us. But as ministers and caregivers, we must also be careful to make sure that our care is truly a blessing to others.
The goal is not simply to care more.
The goal is to care wisely.